SSSHHH! TURN OFF THE LIGHT, SO YOU WON'T SEE...  or an article about a handicapped body and sexuality (Non-disabled persons are allowed to read this article as well).

You are reading an article with a very controversial title. Discussing this theme is widely regarded as overstepping the boundaries of good taste.

When I was preparing myself to write this article and I published its title, I came across excitement and astonishment. I and the people I was in contact with, determined that not much is known about disabled persons in connection sexuality. The society I live in is dishing out the same old information: interviewing people, I found out that they still feel that disabled persons are best provided for in institutions. There, they get "all" the qualifications they need for living; they don't miss anything, do they? Their rigid and narrow view is complemented with an opinion that disabled persons are sexually inactive or that sexuality is simply not part of their lives. Most people believe that for them, the discussion is over at this point.

The position of a disabled person is usually linked with his or her physical image, which is primarily the image of his or her body. With their passive acceptance of their body and by projecting this view into the society, the disabled persons themselves, are keeping "disability rituals" alive. Consequently, their image and the image of their lives remains static, unchanged. And sexuality? Well, it seems that it does not exist.

When it comes to disabled* persons, we feel that we have become trapped in a labyrinth, unable to find our way out. Stereotypes tell us one thing, common sense contradicts them; every person is supposed to be a sexual being, just the crips are different. For them, the most unnatural thing is supposed to be natural; they are believed to be asexual. I am racking my brains, trying to find out where these contrasting views come from.
Ah, I found something. Let us see what.

Mental image of one's body is especially exposed when we talk about disabled persons and the aspect of looking at oneself is very important. The body scheme, which is also the source of the sexual scheme, is different from that of a person, whose scheme is generally accepted by the society. The society creates an image of a disabled person in order to classify him/her, which is the reason for pre-emptive stigmatization of the individual's entire self-image. (The subject does not feel the anguish, because of the shortcomings of his body, but because of the shortcomings of his image. (Rutar, 1994)

Ideas about one's body parts and one's self-image depend to a certain degree on vrednostni odnosi** of the society, which influences one's entering into the social space. The individual is afraid of impressions that other people have created for themselves about him or her. One's being is consequently linked with pieces of information about one's body, which are continuously entering one's scheme. Being visually different, the individual tries to hide his or her deviating appearance, which induces uncertainty, feelings of unacceptability, vulnerability and loneliness. The handicapped person may be safely hidden among "his own kind"; however in the real world he or she will still feel powerless.

"Think further", I told myself. You've just started discussing one of the taboo themes that no one wishes to talk about. But what if one has to deal with two such themes at the same time?

We know that sexuality is more than just sex, it can be felt in every act of gentleness it is some kind of energy - a field of infinite options. The fact is that disabled persons do note their disabilities while experiencing sexual acts, but that does not change anything. Anyone can find one's own way to feel and be felt by his or her partner in the most intense way possible.

Some people decide against having sex and create with the help of their partner and a lot of imagination a sort of supersex, tailored to their emotions. The idea that sexual emotions shall not be developed if we decide to not talk about them is false and perverse. Certain deluded parents tried to carry out such views after they have succumbed to the ideas of their environment.

There are many ways of tackling this topic, however initial attempts usually result in discomfort, fear, arrogance, stereotypes or, even worse, the subjects is labelled as "forbidden". Much can be read about sexuality, talked about it with intimate friends, many brag about their sexual feats.

I found an interesting article in a miscellany titled HANDICAP E SESSUALITA. The article introduces a daring approach to having sex, implemented by a young couple. The article talks about a girl and about her boyfriend called Bob, whose spinal injury rendered him immobile. For them, disability is not a sign of deviance, but rather a chance and a need to change sexual playfulness without introducing senseless rules and limitations. The couple invented new ideas and completely changed the narrow and rigid notion about sex between disabled persons. They changed the way they communicate with each other and moved their focus away from genitalia and towards discovering new kinds of sensibility. They decided to make a film about their emotional and sexual relationship. They also wished to approach to the problem in as direct way as possible in order to encourage other couples with similar problems.

In the film, both of them talk about their feelings and fears in the beginning of their stroll about the unexplored territory of their relationship. Like them, anyone in facing the situation of a disabled persons or his or her partner should try to keep his or her head above surface of the sea of relationship.

Together we have coloured a tiny peace of a colour book of sex education. I am starting to colour the orange green cap on the picture of a disabled person and am saying my goodbyes to you with Bob's words: "I know that I am a better lover today and there are quite a few reasons for this; most importantly, I am much more relaxed and I am no longer forced to keep a list of things in my head that are allowed and acceptable."

In my opinion, we all need to find our own way to function when it comes to sex or in other areas of our lives. Rules governing the most intimate parts of our lives without a shadow of doubt do exist. However, we are the only one who decides about their content.

Good luck.
Note: _

L * The term "disabled (or handicapped)" denotes people of all ages, illnesses, injuries, accidents or congenital injuries and diseases, who are deprived of certain experiences and need to use various accessories to control his personal space and obstacles in the environment. The term "disability (or handicap) means inability or a shortcoming (Rutar, 1993)

Works cited:
Handicap e sessualita, zbirka seminarjev, Pliezhausen Ruebgarten, 1991
Klee E. Behindert ueber die lintigung von Korper"und Bewusstsein, - S. Fisher Verlah, Frankfurt 1980.(prevedla in priredila Barbara Bizjan) Rutar D. - Psihologija skozi psihoanalizo: Podobe telesa, Anthropos 1-3
1994 Ljubljana, str.: 105- 120
Rutar D. Hendikep kot simptom, ČKZ156 -157, 1993 Ljubljana, str.: 21-132
Tomori M. - Psihologija telesa DZS, 1990 Ljubljana