SSSHHH! TURN OFF THE LIGHT, SO YOU WON'T SEE...  or an article about a handicapped body and sexuality (Non-disabled persons are allowed to read this article as well).

You are reading an article with a very controversial title. Discussing this theme is widely regarded as overstepping the boundaries of good taste.

When I was preparing myself to write this article and I published its title, I came across excitement and astonishment. I and the people I was in contact with, determined that not much is known about disabled persons in connection sexuality. The society I live in is dishing out the same old information: interviewing people, I found out that they still feel that disabled persons are best provided for in institutions. There, they get "all" the qualifications they need for living; they don't miss anything, do they? Their rigid and narrow view is complemented with an opinion that disabled persons are sexually inactive or that sexuality is simply not part of their lives. Most people believe that for them, the discussion is over at this point.

If sexuality is to be understood as one of the means of communication, it is safe to assume that it is going to continue to be the most difficult to reflect on and to interpret by the crips.

Children begin their process of identification mostly through physical contact with their environment and through confronting their bodies with other people. Whereas most non-handicapped persons enjoy the freedom of uninhibited exploration of other peoples' bodies and the appertaining acquisition of emotional competences, disabled children are largely faced with obstacles, prohibitions and what not. Isolation becomes the common denominator for their inequality with others. Consequently knowing and thus controlling one's body is rendered well nigh impossible in such an environment, although disabled persons are by far not the only ones who experience their bodies as a form of prison cell. It seems that such an environment makes every attempt to communicate a part of an alien dimension, where language becomes a social response of repressing a physical need, rather than a means of expressing it. We know that the media is constantly bombarding us with a precisely defined model of a perfect male and female and their social roles.

He has a youthful look no matter his age, he is successful, fit, and ambitious with a breath-taking, athletic figure. She is slim, her measures are ideal; she is dynamic and very sexy. On the other hand, a classic stereotype of a crip: he is on a wheelchair, bent and crooked, with a sad smile on his face. She has only one leg, she is flat as a board, buttoned up to her ears, with crutches in her hands

The fact is that much is talked about the right of the handicapped to have a place to live in, to work and study, in short, to lead an independent life. Still very few dare to speak about the problem of "disability and sexuality".

"Cogito ergo, sum" said Descartes in the sense that we exist and percept ourselves as we are, not only because we have our bodies and needs connected with it, but simply because we think about and of ourselves; we are aware of ourselves.

Before Descartes, Plato and Christianity made sure the body and corporality became marginalized, meaning that spirituality became the centre of one's concern. Of course, existance solely on the basis of spirituality is impossible.

With Freud and his psychoanalysis our bodies again acquire some of its former value. A set of mechanisms is thus discovered, which is not governed by us, rather we are governed by them; what we discover, is the idea of subconscious.

Elena Pečarič

1.      Can disabled persons have sex?

a)      What does it mean to be disabled?

b)      What does it mean to have sex?

– What conditions must be met so that a couple can have sex (??*censored*?? and lovemaking)?

– Is it necessary for one's body to be uninjured in order to feel comfort while having sex?

– Is enjoying having sex defined only by satisfying one's sexual desire, or should one satisfy his or her partner as well?

– In what ways can I take part in someone else's pleasure if I) I do not have one of my legs or arms; II I cannot turn around when I am in bed; III) I have cramps or am stiff or I am shaking IV) I have epileptic seizure during the intercourse etc.?

–        Which of the body parts can be missing in order to still be able to have sex?

– Is the body missing some of its features necessarily ugly?

–        Is a scarred body ugly?

– Do I need to hide my scars while having sex?

– Is there something wrong if I kiss the scar, touch it and enjoy doing so (can the scars be considered erotic, attractive, and sexy)? Is there something wrong if my partner does not allow me to do that?

– Is there something if my partner is (at first) bothered by my scars? Do I need to be offended?

– Is there something if my partner feels that, during the intercourse, he can no longer perform (his erection is gone and his genitalia is painful to touch). Should I be hurt, concerned, and angry?

– Is there something wrong if my partner does not want to have sex, but only wants to masturbate?

– Is there something wrong if I do not achieve orgasm, but feel delight in being touched, kissed or if I feel comfort in tenderness. And what if only my partner achieves orgasm?

– Is there something wrong if I fantasize about someone while having sex? Do I need to feel guilty? Should I be angry if my partner admits that he/she fantasizes about somebody who is not disabled?

– Should I leave my partner rather than admit that my sexual prowess is limited and that I cannot do everything he/she might be expecting from me?

–Am I able to feel comfort without forcing my partner into things she finds repulsive? Am I satisfied only if I have things my way?

– Is sex really like pizza, which is pretty good even if it is bad?

– Is sex really like brushing your teeth, a routine, recurring task, we need to put up with, because we feel that it is better to do it than not doing it?

- Can we get bored with having sex with the same person all the time?

-  Can we have sex with more than one partner at the same time?

– Is a steady partner really necessary for good sex?

– Is sex really something beast-like based on instinct, which just sort of takes place, without our needing to conscientiously think about it?

– Does one need to be inventive, playful, relaxed, inovative in order to permanently enjoy in having sex? Does one always need to surprise his or her partner?

– Does defining the frequency of sexual intercourses and to push oneself into having sex just so we would not feel different from others, really make sense?

– Is a personal assistant really an insuperable obstacle when two disabled persons are trying to have sex?

– Can a disabled person, who is unable to masturbate, expect some sort help from other people (friends), without being labelled as a sexual maniac?

– Should a non-disabled person offer help to a disabled person if he/she now that he/she is not able to masturbate?

- What does "being able to have sex" mean? Are they allowed to have sex? Are they able to? Do they mean they have sex with a great ease?

 2. Do the disabled want to have sex?

a) Are there any reasons why the disabled should not be allowed to have sex? Are they plausible?

b) Are there any reasons why the disabled should not wish to have sex? Are they plausible?

c) Are there any reasons why the non-disabled should not want to have sex with the disabled? Are they plausible?

d) What kind of people do the disabled want to have sex with?

3. Do the disabled want to discuss sex?

a) Do they read some good books on the subject before discussion?

b) Are they only repeating the already known stereotypes and talk in a vulgar way?

 c) Why does it make sense to talk about sex?

– Is it possible that, through talking about sex, we are going to try to define, plan, anticipate and finally saturate our relationship? Isn't such discussion useless?

– Does that mean that we need to learn how to communicate without pushing other people away from us, without underestimating, overestimating our partner or without making him/her frustrated

– Can we have good sex if partners talk about the act in detail beforehand?

– Is it OK if a disabled tells his/her partner what he/she can or cannot do? Can this affect the partner in a positive way?

4. What is love?

5. Do the disabled have (enough of) sex?

 6. What about mentally disabled persons?

 7. Is disability contagious?

8. Can a disabled man have an erection and why would anyone think otherwise?

9. Is a severely immobile woman able to have children?

10. Is it true that a healthy/non-disabled person is more capable of pleasuring because of his physical capabilities, whereas a disabled has no chance of doing that?

11. Is a disabled man really unable to make a woman feel secure?

The questions were posed to you by Andrej Jug.

Every word on this topic distresses them, especially when I tell them that there is not a single woman in Slovenia, especially a young one, who would be able to perceive a disabled man as an erotic and sexual being. Their distress may be interpreted as a feeling of guilt, which should tell us that I am on the right track. Why should somebody for finding certain people unattractive? I guess we all agree that one finds some people attractive, and other people less so or even unattractive. A woman will probably find some men more attractive than others. Why is it then that women feel uncomfortable when I tell them that as a disabled person I am obviously not perceived as a sexual human being, who wishes to experience physical love and that I also masturbate. Most of women see me as someone they can talk to, who needs to be pitied cared for, constantly asked if he needs anything and whether I am comfortable with this or that.

I would like to make something clear, right here and now: NO, I AM NOT COMFORTABLE, I NEED LOVE, PHYSICAL LOVE AS WELL. YOU CAN BEST HELP ME IF YOU START TREATING ME AS A SEXUAL BEING RATHER THAN A DISABLED MAN AND IF YOU SPREAD THE WORD THAT I AM A MAN WHO EATS, DRINKS, LAUGHS (OR NOT), WHO HAS AMBITIONS – IN SHORT THAT I AM NOT THAT SPECIAL.       

Andrej J. Jug